How do I channel my unique voice in a way that is not inherently power seeking!? What is …who is … how is ... my writing style? I used to quite enjoy the art of wordsmithing - some have even said I was “good” - whatever that means. Now, it feels draining. This is an attempt, for the first time in a while, to free write for no other purpose that to better understand myself and how to write freely again:
Having allowed my defensive ego to cool down, I realize that, although I have lost whatever edge I may have at some point convinced others of having, i can sharpen. Rather than insist that academic writing is “not my thing” or only very loosely tied to my end goals, less relevant to my passion and purpose than other technical skills ... I can find my own style and use. I can hone in on feedback, all the while taking each piece with gratitude and a grain of soft pink salt.
Only I, after all, have access to the ideas within the confines of my meninges. It is within my power, and mine only, to convey my individualized worldview to others. This act in and of itself feels heartbreakingly hedonistic … hence the walls I have built, further alienating my queer thought processes. However, if I can get over that philosophical haphazard for the time being and embrace that I can be worthy (!?) - I might have something useful to say - after all, who are we not to? … Then perhaps I might find a position … albeit within a society that I tend to oppose … that brings rest to my unease.
What is fulfillment? Forty two.
Many who know me would argue that I have no qualms in stating my beliefs. But those who have taken the time to know me deeply, understand that I do not make claims rigidly. I am open to criticism. I crave questioning. I desire to deepen the process and challenge my own standpoints. In this sense, my claims are wishy-washy. Perhaps I have a hard time stating claims because I feel as though my opinions are … ultimately meaningless. What do I know? Who am I but a fool? So - try harder? Know more? Be the expert? Yet again, I hit the stumbling block of ontological limitations. WHO AM I !? WHO ARE EXPERTS!? We are all foolish, no matter how hard we fight to prove otherwise.
Put these criticisms away. Realize that, in this reality, we need people to deeply understand the material world and our interactions with it. Focus on sharing those important concepts with nonexperts. Know your context. Know your neighbors. Worry not about your own claims … that may come with time. You are nowhere near an expert. But striving to become one is not the end of the world if there is a benefit for others. It’s going to be you … or someone else, in the end. Now stop wasting time. And do something with your voice.
